Where to start…there is so much I want to talk about…I have made many observations this past few weeks.
Observation: If I work 30 hours at my new part-time job (Home Depot) then I will almost make enough money to pay half a payment for half of my total student loans. Or another way of looking at it: I will almost make enough money to make a payment on the interest on one loan. I need about 4 more part-time jobs to make any difference. Which sucks. I am working a whole lot of hours for a whole little pay, spending way too much time away from home and family, making time sacrifices and I am sore and tired all the time. I almost like the job itself and the people I work with. But I am not so sure it is worth it. I simply need to make more money.
Observation: Dreams exist so that they can be killed and obliterated, only then can one start to accept reality and live their miserable life. I see people every day who want to do more with their lives, become a lawyer, pastor, own their own business, etc. These people are dreaming. They are still 18 years old and have the lie in their heads that they can do whatever they want to do. My case-in-point: I saw a magazine last night at Home Depot, it had a dream house on the front cover. I remember the days when Minnie and I would sit around and dream about the perfect house…wrap-around porch, verandas, gazebos…sigh. Then it dawned on me: I am never gonna have that. I may never even be the owner of any house. It is time to wake up. I’m never gonna fulfill those dreams, no pastoring, no dream house. No putting my kids through college. No retirement. No new cars. No nice chrome, front-loading matching washer and dryer. No big-screen, HD TV. No refrigerator with the ice maker and the water dispenser that holds the milk on the door and has that extra door on the outside where you can just reach in and get juice or milk or a snack. No white picket fence. Although Home Depot sells most of that stuff. I’ll work until I am dead. I’ll have debt until I die. The best that I can hope for is to teach my kids to not follow in my footsteps.
Kids…I keep telling myself that someday Kaleb and Keegan will grow up in a house, with a yard and a tree house. Another dream. They are growing up so fast.
OK, so I am a little depressed and feeling sorry for myself. So what. Reality bites.
Observation: Debt still sucks. I was talking to a friend this past weekend and he confided that he was not very happy with God and student loan debt (and other debt). There was cussing involved between him and God. I cuss about a 2 dozen times a day to myself. The really bad 4-letter words too. I am angry and frustrated. This student loan debt is doing more than killing dreams. It is starting to consume me. I hate the fact that I went to MNU to be a pastor. I hate that I feel cheated and lied to by Christians. I even consulted with a bankruptcy lawyer last week. But there isn’t much they can do unless one is disabled or at the poverty level. I am neither and am actually sad about it! I hate that even though i am taking steps to better myself that they really don’t matter! I mean really!
So let’s review…Mad at God…Conned into going to MNU…insanely high student-loan debt…2nd job meaningless…hope slowly dying…future looks bleak…Life sucks. Yep, that sums it up.
And then I hear the angel in the other ear: You have a great job. You have a great family. You are getting caught up in consumerism. You got to play the XBOX360 this past weekend and kill people-that was so much fun, remember. You’re just tired. Slow down. Calm down.
But reality still bites. There still won’t be that “American Dream”. And yeah that is the lie of a consumer-based culture. But it is still a lie I want to be a part of. I don’t want to work 2 jobs until I die. I want my kinds to have a better life than me.
Man, I am tired.
-Derin-
