Failed, But not a Failure: Lift Yourself Up Off the Floor (Music Video Edition)

The Message is a paraphrase of the Bible and the authors have attempted to write the scriptures in a straight forward manner.  This is 1 Corinthians 13.  It is the Love Chapter of the Bible.  This passage pretty much provides a biblical definition of Love.

1 Corinthians 13  The Message (MSG)  The Way of Love

Love never gives up.
Love cares more for others than for self.
Love doesn’t want what it doesn’t have.
Love doesn’t strut,
Doesn’t have a swelled head,
Doesn’t force itself on others,
Isn’t always “me first,”
Doesn’t fly off the handle,
Doesn’t keep score of the sins of others,
Doesn’t revel when others grovel,
Love Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,
Puts up with anything,
Trusts God always,
Always looks for the best,
Never looks back,
But keeps going to the end.

I’ve failed.  I violated every one of those lines.  I gave up, on love, on what I want most.  I’ve cared more about me than others.  I’ve hungered, desired, coveted, prayed for what I do not have.  I’ve strutted, well, a little anyway, not much.  I’m sure I’ve had a swelled head.  I tried to force myself on others emotionally and relationally.  I’ve put me first.  Although not very much, I’ve flown off the handle.  I don’t have a notebook with names and sins in it, but, I do know that thing she did to me that tears me up inside and I can’t let it go just yet.  Grovel…hmmm, has anyone groveled to me?  Hmm.  I know what truth is and instead of letting it set me free I embrace the lies and pretend I know better.  I put my foot down and and it got stomped on, crushed really.  I have refused to trust in God, he let me down in a big, big way.  I can’t see the best in this darkness I am in.  My back is to the future and my focus is on the past.  I feel like I am at the end, and my pace has stopped.

Love failed.  Plain and simple.  Not just my love.  Others too.  I feel like God’s love failed me too, but, I know I am in the darkness too deep to see anything, let alone the big picture.

So, when you fall you have a choice:  Stay where you are and give up, or pick yourself up off the floor and move forward.  I was laying down on the job.  I was…curled up in a ball, sucking my thumb, eyes closed tight asking for it to all to just go away.  But, every time I open my eyes I am in the same spot.  I even gave up hope for a bit.  I gave up completely.  Stop the world, I want to get off now.

But, I guess its time to move on.  Love failed.  I failed.  But I do not have to remain a failure.  2012, WORST YEAR EVER.  So far.  There’s 5 months left.

They say it gets better.  What they leave out is that it gets so incredibly worse before it starts to get better.

I am in a prayer group that meets Monday nights.  If you want to look God in the eyes, yell at him, smile at him, converse with him, visit my prayer group.

I am in a Divorce Care group.  And that guy in the video says really awfully painful things to hear.  But, it speaks to exactly what is going on in my lonely life.  The people around me in that class are devastated and heartbroken and in some serious, serious pain.  But that girl that sits next to me is kinda cute. And their stories help me feel like I am not all alone.  They recommend waiting a year for every 4 years you were married to enter into a relationship.  Ha, right.  Well, 3 out of 4 second marriages fail.  4 our of 5 3rd marriages fail. And 9 out of 10 5th marriages fail!  Holy crapola?!

I’m meeting new people.  Men and women.  I’m on one of those dating websites, a couple actually.  No, wait, I’m not meeting guys there!  Sheesh!  I meet them NOT online.  Wait, I’m not “meeting guys”.  OK, I mean I have a few new guy friends that have become my brothers in Christ.  I would die for the guys in my prayer group, take a bullet for them.  So back to the dating sites, I’m not looking for love!  I’m just looking to meet new women.  I am not looking for a replacement wife or to get married.  Just to talk and be healthy.  To try to live again.  And guess what?  I had a date!  First one in almost 20 years!  OK, not a “date”, we just, sat and talked.  But it didn’t suck!  I KNOW RIGHT?  Sigh.  I hate the idea of dating.  I never thought I’d have to start over like this.  But, I have to move on right?

I have hope again.  A little.  Not a lot.  But, it is a start.

I got mad at God, called him names.  Shook my fist.  Cussed. Told him how he let me down.  And he did too.  He didn’t step in and wave his hand and make everything better.  He could have, fiery furnace, lion’s den, Lazarus.  He is letting me feel incredible pain.  Because…we have free will.  Because…we do bad, sinful, evil things.  Because, well, I don’t know why yet.  God isn’t a jerk.  I feel like he is, but I know he isn’t, He loves me.  And it is OK, I serve a BIG GOD that can handle my anger, tantrums and questions.

I think about her and I fall again.  On my knees, facial fluids leaking everywhere.  That’s OK.  Because I get back up.  Why do we fall?  So that we learn to pick ourselves up.  <In my whispering voice:  “I am Batman“!>

I have failed in the past.  But, I refuse to make it my identity.  I have no clue who I am outside of who I was and who I was when I was with her.  But, I know this:  I am not a failure.  Well, I don’t know it yet.  But I hear it, I let the words go into my brain. And that thought rattles around.  And it makes me cock my head and think.  I am not a failure, maybe.

Welcome to the planet
Welcome to existence
Everyone’s here
Everyone’s here
Everybody’s watching you now
Everybody waits for you now
What happens next?
What happens next?

dare you to move
dare you to move
dare you to lift yourself up off the floor
dare you to move
dare you to move
Like today never happened
Today never happened before

Welcome to the fallout
Welcome to resistance
The tension is here
The tension is here
Between who you are and who you could be
Between how it is and how it should be

Maybe redemption has stories to tell
Maybe forgiveness is right where where you fell
Where can you run to escape from yourself?
Where you gonna go?
Where you gonna go?
Salvation is here


One response to “Failed, But not a Failure: Lift Yourself Up Off the Floor (Music Video Edition)

  1. Wow that was powerful words.

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